{"id":301050,"date":"1979-01-01T00:01:04","date_gmt":"1978-12-31T23:01:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.vanoorschot.nl\/dbnl\/ed-leeflangpinguins\/"},"modified":"2021-06-04T14:21:54","modified_gmt":"2021-06-04T13:21:54","slug":"ed-leeflangpinguins","status":"publish","type":"dbnl","link":"https:\/\/www.vanoorschot.nl\/en\/dbnl\/ed-leeflangpinguins\/","title":{"rendered":"Ed Leeflang\r\nPinguins"},"content":{"rendered":"
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[p. 644]<\/div>\r\n<\/a>\r\n

\r\nEd Leeflang<\/i>\r\n\r\n
Pinguins<\/h3>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Lang heb ik niet over haar durven schrijven<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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uit angst voor \u00e9\u00e9n kunstzinnig woord.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Omdat ik van haar houd<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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mag zij gedichten in,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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zoals ze meegaat naar de Hema<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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– voorzichtig bij het serviezenvak –<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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licht gebogen al,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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zonder de begerigheid<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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die hier hoort.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 645]<\/div>
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Er is een kind in mijn leven<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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dat niet goed spelen kan en<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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niet goed denken, maar verdriet,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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heimwee en pijn gaan niet<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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langs haar heen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Het mag altijd erger –<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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dat is zo, je ziet het aan<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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de andere kinderen in dat<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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tehuis – je kan ermee leven:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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aan de maan ontbreekt geen<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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kwartier, eb en vloed, niks<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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geen last.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Gevoelens kan ze niet ver verwoorden,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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haar dromen zijn onbespreekbaar,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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haar angsten moet je steeds weer raden;<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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elke dag een onbegrepen injectie.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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De dikke toren en de hoge toren<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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bewonen de stad, dat is voor haar<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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zekerheid.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Die staan.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Die zijn gebouwd<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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en niet geboren.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 646]<\/div>
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De eerste maanden reden we naar<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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het ziekenhuis in een onbeheerst<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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rode eend.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Zo ongeneselijk als ze geworden was,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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zo was ze en sindsdien zijn die<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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polderwegen vreemd.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Ik herinner me dat ik de lege bermen daar<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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ondragelijk ordelijk begroeid vond<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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met het gras. Het water erlangs leek gezeemd.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Dat zal ook niet meer veranderen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Zij zal ons nooit kennen,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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herkennen nog lang en<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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van ons houden, wij worden<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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uitsluitend ouder; zij blijft jong<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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en is voor de wind al jaren bang.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Verkeerd slapen wij verder,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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slapen een bestaan met haar mee,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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haar angsten zijn van echte dood gemaakt,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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dat is wel gegeven, zoals golven<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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gemaakt zijn van zee.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Al jaren speelt zij met dezelfde soort<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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plastic pinguins; die sterven stukgekauwd.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Zo zullen wij bij haar blijven horen,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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hoewel zij van ons houdt.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 647]<\/div>
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O lieve dochter, de geschiedenis<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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dat ben jij ook, net als de verstilde boeren<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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van Brouwer; ze bedrinken zich<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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in mijn slaap; rokend, debieler<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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in de schemer, dialectsprekend,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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tandloos vergaan ze, misschien<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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naar hun eigen oordeel niet te vroeg.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Buiten de historie wou ik ons wel laten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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en mijn geest voor je inrichten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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als een donkere kroeg, een poppekamer<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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waarin we plaatjes draaien en<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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de lentes voorbij zien dwalen en stijgen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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En zijn we eenmaal vergeten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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dan gaan we op het groot hoefblad –<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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je zult zien dat dat kan –<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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‘s avonds buiten zitten, de tijd waait weg.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Voortgetrokken door de zwaluwen<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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komt dan de nacht. Echt.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Zo gaat dat door. Eeuwige liefde,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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met recht.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 648]<\/div>
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De muizen komen weer lepig binnen<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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met roest op hun staart en de grote<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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schilfering wil weer beginnen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Op dak blijven de vogels verzitten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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tot ook dat geschuifel bedaart;<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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de rupsen verstarren, van pluizen en pitten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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mummelt de grond. De vlier draagt<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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in zijn webben nog resten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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van een haastig gestorven zomer.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Een fazant claxonneert als een<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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vooroorlogse auto onzichtbaar in het gras;<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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aan dode bloemen zuigt de tandeloze stilte<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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die eens, dit jaar, de werkelijk regerende<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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bijzit van de herfst was.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Nu stalen de sterren hun blik.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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En het heeft geen zin meer te vragen:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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wie was het, welk kind ontmoette ik?<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 649]<\/div>
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Al verder levend zie ik me haar meer<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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uren vergeten, drinkend, lesgevend,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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zelfs over haar schrijvend.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Op mijn gemaaid geheugen verschenen laatst<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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landmeters met roodwitte stokken<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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om te kijken, zo droomde ik geschrokken,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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of zij verdwaalde op andermans erf.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Ik werd wakker en kwam weer schaamte te kort<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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en weet niettemin dat ik me in werk,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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me afvallig in plannen stort.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Dan verval ik in dat andere uiterste:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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ik schat en vrees van haar komende<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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volwassenheid de waarde.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Ik betrap me op dat soort diepzinnigheid<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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dat ik voorgoed dacht te zijn gaan haten,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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wanneer ik me afvraag hoe wezenlijker onwennig<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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dan anderen zij rondloopt op een stuk aarde,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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hoe erger in de steek gelaten.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 650]<\/div>
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Hebben we teveel voor haar gedacht<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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die zich niet denkend kan verweren?<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Had zij andere dingen van ons<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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willen leren? Liedjes hebben we voor haar<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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gemaakt, tweepuzzel-stukken voor<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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haar gezaagd, het verschil van dag en nacht<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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benadrukt, een haakje gewezen voor kleren,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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en misschien zelfs hoe je aan het lot behaagt<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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behaagt door je er niet meer<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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van af te keren.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Op geen verhouding tot ons<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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kan ze zich ooit bezinnen;<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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haar uitspraak over wie we<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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tegen haar waren, werd<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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voor altijd verdaagd.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
[p. 651]<\/div>
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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De vader van de baby Constantijn, wat hem<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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voor ogen zweefde stuit en kalmeert mij niet.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Precieze dromen moet ik ‘s nachts wel uit,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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naar de keuken, en wil dan nog een uur<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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op een bevriende stoel.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Niet de geringste engel zou er voor<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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hebben gevoeld verder te gaan<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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met haar broze, bedreigde lichaam.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Hij heeft veel te veel bedoeld.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Ik kom niet uit met zijn sto\u00efsch verdriet<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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en niet met zijn troostrijke orde.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Hoe waar zijn die in zijn huis<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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trouwens ooit maar geworden?<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Want de moeder schreef het niet.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/div>
\n

Over dit hoofdstuk\/artikel<\/h3>\n

Ed Leeflang<\/a><\/p>\n
\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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