{"id":304916,"date":"2013-01-01T00:00:08","date_gmt":"2012-12-31T23:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.vanoorschot.nl\/dbnl\/nikki-dekkerzeven-gedichten\/"},"modified":"2021-06-04T19:02:46","modified_gmt":"2021-06-04T18:02:46","slug":"nikki-dekkerzeven-gedichten","status":"publish","type":"dbnl","link":"https:\/\/www.vanoorschot.nl\/en\/dbnl\/nikki-dekkerzeven-gedichten\/","title":{"rendered":"Nikki Dekker\r\n\r\nZeven gedichten"},"content":{"rendered":"
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[p. 40]<\/div>\r\n<\/a>\r\n

Nikki Dekker\r\n
\r\nZeven gedichten<\/h3>\r\n\r\n

Zelfportret in blauwalg<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Met die slierten haar in je wenkbrauw geklit<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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valt nog te bezien welk deel van jou<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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jou is, en welk deel het drab van de zomer.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Je hinkelt door het gras met je voeten bloot,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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negeert blaren, het brandende asfalt dat als kneedgum<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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aan je plakt, en tussen sprieten verstopte wespen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Wie zegt dat jij de infiltrant niet bent,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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geklampt tegen wat je maar wil houden: de schaduw,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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een muur – je volgt gekoelde winkelcentra<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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als een zonnebloem de stralen van haar meester,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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als mos dat, tegen boomstammen geleund,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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onder kiezelvlies, het Oosten weet.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Bij 38 graden verdampt elke weerstand,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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gewiegd in een bloedbaan buiten je<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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aders. Men noemt het hittegolf.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Wie heeft longen nodig in het vruchtwater van zomer?<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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Zalig turquoise. Ondergedompeld in cyaanblauwe<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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draden, baad je door fotosynthese in slaap.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
[p. 41]<\/div>\r\n

Amerikaans inhaleren<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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De uren tellen tot de trog gevuld mag, de nacht<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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laten beginnen wanneer de dag dooft, de kast<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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gesloten laten in het donker. Het geloof<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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in de driehonderdzestiggradenblik,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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in de tweezijdige spiegel en haar Droste-effect:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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dat er geen einde komt aan dit stellig verlangen<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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om met al het gewicht van gazellen, van nagellak,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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in een etalage te passen. Afvallen, afslaan,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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tot de dag dat tellen vergaat in een waas van wezen en je,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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duizelig en high van niet beter weten, denkt:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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ja. Dit is Dasein<\/i>,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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een sigaret opsteekt<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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in een verlaten Kalverstraat, je afvraagt waarom<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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de hema<\/span> niet open is. Je zou wel een espresso lusten.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n
[p. 42]<\/div>\r\n

Het komt allemaal hier op neer:<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
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kijk je<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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hoe het buiten de stad uitkleedt<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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tot aan haar behoeftige bot<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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met op elke uitgestoken hand een moord:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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tussen knokkels gestoken sleutels<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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niet naar gezichten, zoals je moeder altijd zei,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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zelfs niet wanneer de stoep vraagt om een kaak<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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en een trap<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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en de advertenties, afgewezen<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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sletjes waar niemand behalve<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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de ander naar kijkt, waar donker<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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versluiert wat niet wordt verkocht<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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een nachtwinkel – aan de andere kant<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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van het glas vraag je je af voor wat<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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of<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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in het gebroken licht, wit<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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geaderde verleiding, kijk je<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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hoe het gat versmalt, verwijdt?<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n
[p. 43]<\/div>\r\n

Omen<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
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vijf jaar oud<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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en een eigen schaakspel<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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(een set magnetische mannen)<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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drukte ik de stukken<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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die elkaar afstootten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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driftig tezamen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n
[p. 44]<\/div>\r\n

Buitenspel<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
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We moesten er niet aan denken hem<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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te zijn (er was geen twijfel over mogelijk<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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dat hij een hij was)<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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dus het grootste deel van de tijd,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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als het enige meisje op het plein,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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was ik dat. Afgescheiden<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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van de rest van de groep stond ik<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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in de hoek van het veld op de strijd<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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uit te kijken. Zelfs sprinkhanen<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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zouden hem eerder grijpen. Niemand<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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hoorde mijn aanmoedigingen die moesten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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herinneren aan mijn bestaan. Zij speelden, ik hield<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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me op tussen de palen, een gevangenis<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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met uitzicht in iedere richting.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Hem te zijn betekende<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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te weten wat het was<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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dat hij wou: niet de bal, maar zichzelf<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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tegen te houden.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n
[p. 45]<\/div>\r\n

Blauw gevaarte<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Daar staat het opgeblazen:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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fel plastic blauwe bank<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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onenig piepend<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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wanneer ze in haar stoel wiebelt<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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(het maakt haar gewaar hoe vaak ze dit doet).<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Ze paradeert<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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er trots omheen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Het is geweldig. Echt.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Staat haar niet toe te vergeten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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wat het is dat ze is: gezeten.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Niet borsten kwekend<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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of charme telend<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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de gebogen perfectie<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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van een schuifeldans.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Dit ding kan haar het ongemak<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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van een leven dat zijn doel niet past<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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leren. Het lonkt maar wil haar niet nemen,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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de volgroeide vrouw in een schooluniform.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Een buiktruitjeskind op een luchtkasteel,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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huid die langzaam leegloopt.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n
[p. 46]<\/div>\r\n

Stereotypethemanummer<\/h4>\r\n\r\n
\r\nvoor Justin White<\/i>\r\n<\/blockquote>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Er zijn twee soorten films:<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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die waarin vrouwen niet bestaan<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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en die waarvoor we de kaartjes kopen.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Een meisje dat ik ken kreeg een<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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borstvergroting. Haar ouders kochten<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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ze voor haar verjaardag.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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En toen mijn moeder een bankrekening<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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wilde openen, hadden ze mijn vaders<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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handtekening nodig.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Dus vertel nog eens over hoe<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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je in gelijkwaardigheid gelooft terwijl<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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je naar mijn borst staart, hoopt<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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dat ik je blik niet onderbreek.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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Mijn hakken op de winkelstraattegels,<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n
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\u00a0<\/div>\r\n
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mijn bijl tegen het bedframe.<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n<\/div>
\n

Over dit hoofdstuk\/artikel<\/h3>\n

Nikki Dekker<\/a><\/p>\n
\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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